hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
