I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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