I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
