Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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