Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it