she looked like the before picture.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
