I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
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