Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
