my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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