This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
