anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
