do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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