My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
