Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
