I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
