the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
