I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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