i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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