It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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