first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
