My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
