I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
