Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
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Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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