I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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