I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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