matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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