apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
