I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
