I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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