I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
