After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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