My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
