I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
