somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
