I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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