When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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