this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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