can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
