I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
