...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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