He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
