i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
