Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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