you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
