Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
