I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have aggressive nipples.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
