if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
