she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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