I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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