i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
