Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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