I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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